Vulgar Snakes
by Chesty's Superbest Friend
Summary: Harry Potter is a parseltongue. Shouldn't he talk to snakes more often? Any sane person would. But when Harry finally does, what do they talk about?


**A.N. Howdy Doody! I've written another fic for Harry Potter. It was a Dramione, if anyone is interested. This one is what the summary suggests. After watching the 2nd one for the millionth time, I thought 'I think it would be awesome to talk to snakes!' and then I noticed that Harry doesn't talk to any snakes. Like, just those couple times, right? Well, I think Harry should talk to snakes more often. Any _sane _person would. Am I right, or am I right?**

**Enjoy! This is after the 3nd one, I suppose. Also, I guess if people really really like this one, I could do more. Like, Harry meets more snakes and such. Wouldn't that be cool? Tell me what ya think, please!**

**Disclaimer: You know, one day, I'm going to write a book. And when I do, there's gonna be fan fiction for it. And when there is, I'm going to right a fic for it, and I'm going to write a disclaimer, and then I'll get to go 'YES! I _DO _OWN THIS BOOK!!!' But for now, I just get to go no, I don't own Harry Potter...**

* * *

**Vulgar Snakes**

It had been a regular day. The birds sang, the sun shined, the people lived. As for Harry? He got to talk to a snake.

As it had been mentioned, the day _had _beena regular day. Harry got uber pissed at the Dursley's so he left. For a walk. He went to the park. He heard the birds sing. He sat down. The sun shined on his face, which was fixed in a frown. He looked out across the way. People lived.

And then something moved in the bushes. Harry whipped around, going for a wand he didn't have on him. "Hello?" he called out, slightly worried. Something slithered out of the bushes and went towards his feet. It then proceeded to go up his leg and stopped on his lap.

"H–hello," Harry said.

"Helllllo..." the snake hissed back.

Harry was at a loss. The snake didn't seem to be leaving any time soon. "Uh...how's it going?"

"Good. I must say, I don't think I've ever talked to a human before." The snake's S's rolled out of his mouth venomously. The snake's voice was so smooth. A woman could easily swoon over it.

"Yes, well. I can. I'm Harry Potter."

"Ah. Harry Potter. Nice to meet you. I'm Vinisi."

A little girl screamed. "Mommy!" She screamed, pointing at the boy on the bench, "There's a snake on that boy's lap!"

"Oh my god!" The mother screamed. "Do you need help?"

"No, I'm fine," the boy said. Or rather, hissed. He didn't change the language. The woman and girl screamed again and ran quickly away. The snake began to chuckle on Harry's lap.

"Ssssooo..." Vinisi began. "What did you think of that woman's rack?"

"_What?!_" Harry shrieked, bolting off the bench. Vinisi fell to the ground, and Harry's face glowed red. More people looked at him.

"I said, what do you think of–"

"_I heard what you said!!_" The girl and woman, who weren't _that _far away, screamed even louder. "I just didn't think snakes thought about stuff like that!!"

"Well, what are we supposed to think about?" The snake began to swivel in and out between Harry's legs.

"Like–like–killing people and stuff!" Stop yelling, Harry thought to himself. But he couldn't stop. I mean, what was with this snake?!

"Why, I'm offended, Harry Potter. We snakes don't kill people. We simply defend ourselves from you awful humans."

"Oh. Sorry, Vinisi."

"Besides, don't you think about girls and stuff?" Vinisi asked.

"Not like that!" Harry blushed at the lie.

"Are you gay?"

"_No!!_"

"Mmm hmmm."

"I'm not gay!" Harry yelled. But he switched out of parseltongue by that time, and two joggers stopped jogging to stare at him.

"Well, that's nice dear," one of them said.

Harry went wide eyed. "I'm not!" he yelled unthinkingly. Again, the snake began to laugh.

"Uh huh," Then they contined jogging. Harry could hear their giggles.

"Vinisi!"

"Hmmm? I didn't understand you. You spoke in human words."

"I said I wasn't gay."

"Mmm hmmm. So what if I asked what do you think of that man's package?" Vinisi started to go faster in his figure eight's around Harry, so Harry bent down and picked him up.

"_I'm not answering that!_" Harry yelled.

"Why not, Harry Potter? Is it because you would answer 'It looks nice?'"

"Shut up, you stupid snake!" Again, Harry shouted this in English. An old man looked at him, then winked before walking away with his doggy.

"See? Now there's a nice young man for you." Vinisi commented.

"Young man? That guy's like 90 years old!"

"So how about that guy? He's nice looking." Vinisi pointed his tail at a man who was indeed nice looking, almost like a model.

"No, his hair is too–wait, no. _I'm not gay!_"

"Right. You just keep looking, then. I've got to go, Harry Potter. But it was great talking to you. It's very rare that we snakes get to talk to humans without being killed." Vinisi hissed in companionship. Harry placed him on the ground and the snake slithered away.

Harry sighed. Even though he didn't much care for that snake's language, it was kinda fun talking to him. And it made Harry forget about his home life for a minute or two. He smiled, then turned around to walk home.

The little girl and her mother were on the path. The girl spotted him and pointed.

"Look, Mommy! It's the gay boy who talks to snakes!"


End file.
